


The Fall

by Frenchibi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining, Yuuji is a poor lost soul that deserves to be loved, even if he doesn't believe it himself, mentions of domestic violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 01:05:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7992961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frenchibi/pseuds/Frenchibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Companion to Chapter 8 of thunderingskies' beautiful TeruDai fic, <em>Sometimes You've Gotta Fall Before You Can Fly</em>.</p><p>Yuuji spent half his life building up what he has now, but a single incident makes him feel like he's lost everything - his friends, his safety, and any chance he may have had with his compassionate project partner. Apparently, he's an expert in giving himself false hope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fall

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thunderingskies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderingskies/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Sometimes You've Gotta Fall Before You Can Fly](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7034125) by [thunderingskies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderingskies/pseuds/thunderingskies). 



> CJ - this one's for you.  
> I know it doesn't come close to the 14 chapters of the wonderful AU you wrote me, the fic that permanently plunged me into rarepair hell (and especially TeruDai hell) and that will always have a place among my favorite things ever written because it is beautiful, breathtaking and lovely ...but I hope you like this little addition anyway.  
> I know it's short, but rest assured that I am in no way done thanking you, not by a long shot. You can expect further works in the future. You know I'm not the fastest, but believe me, the wait will be worth it.  
> For now: Thank you so, so, so much. You're amazing, and I'm so glad I met you. I really hope you like this.
> 
> This is a companion fic to _Sometimes You've Gotta Fall Before You Can Fly_ , best read after Chapter 8. When I requested "some TeruDai maybe", I had no idea that @thunderingskies would blow it so far out of proportion - but I couldn't be happier or more grateful for the result. It's a fantastic fic and I strongly recommend you go read it. You won't be disappointed.

Koutarou isn’t home when Yuuji comes back. He dimly remembers telling him that he'd be out late, and he is almost thankful for that - he’s not sure he could have kept up his walls for very much longer.

He manages to stumble across the hall and into his room (how, exactly, he isn’t even sure) and crumples to the floor with his back against the door, tears already streaming down his face because it hurts, it _hurts_.

And it’s not his physical injuries, he can barely feel those anymore. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to him that he’s used to the dull throbbing sensation all over his body; it used to be his constant companion. Having it back now feels like _I should have known_ and _I was stupid for thinking it was over._

That’s what hurts. What hurts is that even though he knows he shouldn’t be second-guessing himself, just seeing his father again (who hasn’t changed, who’s still self-righteous and proud and convinced Yuuji has done him a huge wrong) has thrown him so completely off balance. Like it’s nothing. Like the last four years he’s worked on healing and forgetting mean nothing.

Like this is how he’s supposed to feel. Small. Insignificant. Broken. Wrong.

He shudders as soundless sobs shake his body, silent as he trained himself to be, back in times where making a sound meant more pain, more consequences. Back when weakness and stubborn pride was paid for with suffering.

It’s so ingrained in his body and his mind that it’s become like a reflex, a defense mechanism. He’s not sure he could make a sound now, even if he tried. He couldn’t call for help, because those calls have never been heard. There’s nobody who cares, nobody with the power to save him.

And then there’s Daichi, _Daichi_ , like fate heard his silent screaming and sent him a savior.

Daichi, witty and smart and reliable. Daichi, who is warm and kind and incredible.

Daichi, who took one look at him in his hospital bed and looked so completely, utterly shattered. Daichi, wanting to know who’d hurt him, ready for cold-blooded murder. Daichi, who instantly forgave him for all his failures, for not texting him back, for _lying to him_. Daichi, who heard his unspoken cries of “I need you” and “Don’t leave me” even though he can’t know what they really mean. Daichi, who stayed even though he didn’t have to. Daichi, careful and caring, who cleaned his wounds and made him feel human again after he thought he’d lost that for good. Daichi, who offered his hand, his arms, his chest for comfort and support. Daichi, who made him feel safe enough to sleep properly for the first time in what felt like years. Daichi, who opened his heart to him with infinite kindness, who cares, who might actually-

But Yuuji has probably broken that now. He shouldn’t have told him.

_“What if he comes back?”_

Yuuji immediately freezes up again, snippets of memories flooding back into his mind: the trial, his brother’s cries ringing in his ears, his father’s furious eyes that screamed at him even when he was silent - his father’s hand, raised above him. The glint of a blade. His brother’s bloodied face.

And he’s shaking again. He can’t move, not even to pull his legs to his chest and wrap his arms around himself like he usually does, because it’s the only thing that helps with the uncontrollable fear and the tears, to be as small and as close to invisible as possible-

He just sits there, trembling, wishing he hadn’t made the same mistake all over again, wishing he could trust himself to function even though he knows he can’t, not with all those old wounds reopened and bleeding all over again.

He remembers the shock and horror in Daichi’s face as he told him the truth, and he still feels the imprint of Daichi’s fingers on his wrist, where he’d been squeezing before. Oh, he doesn’t even know. He has no idea how much that meant, how much that helped-

But he can’t. No matter how much he wants to grab Daichi by his (strong, protective, _incredible_ ) arms, slam him against a wall and kiss him all over his stupid, perfect face. He wants to wake up with those arms around him, wants to see that face every day for the rest of his life.

Yuuji’s had crushes before, sure - but they weren’t like that. They were… spur-of-the-moment kind of things, touch-and-go, nothing like whatever the hell this is that he’s feeling right now, nothing like _protect me_ or _you make me feel safe_ or _I think I’ve fallen in love with you_. Nothing like wanting to stay with Daichi… well. Forever.

Living to be eighty or ninety doesn’t sound at all bad if Daichi’s there beside him.

…but he can’t.

Daichi’s friendship alone is more than Yuuji could ever have hoped to receive. It’s all kinds of perfect, it’s happy and easy and has just the right balance of jokes and serious, heartfelt moments. Daichi is so-

…more. More than anything Yuuji could ever have known he wanted.

Well, he wants it now.

Even though he probably doesn’t deserve it. Even though Daichi doesn’t know about any of this, and he’d probably-

No, Yuuji realizes, Daichi wouldn’t be disgusted. He wouldn’t leave, either. He’d politely tell Yuuji “sorry, I don’t feel the same way,” but he’d continue to support him and be there for him, just-

Yuuji isn’t sure he could handle that.

Daichi is so much more than Yuuji could ever be. He’s honest, kind - noble, even. A hero-type, a leader, a pillar. And Yuuji is the crack, the weakness, the burden nobody wants. He’s the jester, the clown, the screw-up.

Maybe some otherworldly power sent Daichi his way - not as his savior, but as his punisher.

To show Yuuji everything that he aspires to be, warm and happy and compassionate and confident - only to spit it back in his face, because he’s so, so far out of Yuuji’s league, no matter how much he wants him. Daichi is powerful, glowing and strong, and Yuuji is worth less than the dirt beneath his feet.

It’s crushing, and Yuuji bursts into a fresh wave of tears. He got so close, but now he’s never felt so far away. He feels like he’s fifteen again, small and scared and _helpless_.

He feels stupid for thinking he could escape this. Stupid for hoping that Daichi, and their friendship, was enough to prove that he deserved better. Stupid for thinking he could get away.

Finally, finally he wills his limbs to move, and he manages to draw his knees up to his chest, hugging them close and letting his head fall forwards with a shuddering breath. He's not sure when, but it's become a conscious effort now - inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. He has to remind himself to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep hoping. Even if hope is all he has left now, and it's so, so easy to be crushed.

~~~

Koutarou comes back some time in the early hours of morning. Yuuji hears him stumbling past his door and into his own room, and his steps are heavy enough to make it safe to assume he won't be getting up any time soon.

Yuuji stirs, then, once he's sure Koutarou must be fast asleep, and moves his legs from the position they've been in for the last couple of hours. He drifted a little, but there's no way he could sleep, not after all that, not with the dread and fear and _I fucked up_ still fresh in his mind.

By some miracle, he manages to get to his feet, using the handle of the door to pull himself up. He exits the room cautiously, slowly, careful not to make a sound. It's way too familiar, and his heart clenches in anticipation of some loud sound, or even a direct blow.

It doesn't come.

The apartment stays quiet and dark, the only light being the small sliver of crisp morning sunlight breaking through the blinds in the living room. Yuuji turns his face away from it, like that'd stop him from being seen, and makes his way to the kitchen.

There's no way he could eat, not now, (it feels like _not ever_ ) so he settles for water. Water is better than nothing. He's trying.

He manages to fill a bottle, one of the ones Kou leaves lying around everywhere and takes with him when he goes to the gym, and wraps his arms around it as he trudges back to his room. Being out in the open like this makes him feel uneasy, unsafe.

Once he's back inside his own four walls, the ones that are truly his, and he's turned the key in the lock, he allows himself to let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He's safe, for now. For now.

He sinks to the floor again, all energy suddenly gone as he curls into a ball around the bottle, like it'd protect him, like it could make sure he stays unharmed.

His phone buzzes in his pocket, but he ignores it. He can't check it now, what if it's more bad news, what if it's something terrible - what if it's _Daichi_? What if he's writing to tell him he's done, he's sick of this, sick of how difficult Yuuji is and how complicated his life has become since he's let Yuuji in? What if it's too much, what if _he's_ too much? 

Yuuji isn't ready to face that reality, if it's true. He wants to cling to his memories of Daichi - of warm, honest, caring Daichi - for as long as he possibly can.

And so, curled in over himself and the bottle, he drifts.

~~~

Kou is banging against his door.

He's always loud, so it takes Yuuji a moment to wake from his trance-like state and realize that those sounds are now directed at _him_.

"Yuuji! Hey!"

He decides he's not going to reply, and Kou's fists grow more insistent.

"I know you're in there, come on, man, don't do this! What happened? Talk to me!"

But he can't. He's already lost Daichi, hasn't he? He can't lose Kou as well. He can't talk now. He can't. He closes his eyes, and buries his head in his arms.

Eventually, the banging fades away.

~~~

It must be pretty late in the evening by the time Yuuji manages to sit up and actually drink some of the water in the bottle. It's no longer as cool as it was when he filled it - he's been hugging it close all this time, so it's practically the same temperature as his body is.

He drinks it anyway - or he tries to. The warmth of it makes him choke, and he can only manage a couple of gulps before he has to stop, to prevent himself from coughing. Not a sound, he reminds himself. Not a sound.

His phone has been buzzing sporadically again, but he hasn't checked it once, although it has slipped out of his pocket and is now lying on the floor beside him, the small notification icon blinking at him in accusation.

He can't, he decides. Not yet.

Just when he's about to curl back in on himself, he's startled by the sound of his ringtone, cutting through the careful silence he's created around himself.

It's Daichi's name, flashing on the screen, and Yuuji does the first and only thing he can think of - he grabs his phone and holds down the 'off' button, until the screen goes blank.

He doesn't realize how heavy his breaths have become until he tries to slow them down, tries to pick himself back up, tries to think. His heart triphammers against his chest, still waiting for the shock of being discovered, even though the danger is long gone.

Why on earth would Daichi be _calling_ him? After all that, after everything, why would he still be trying-

And it's his mother's voice that saves him. His mother, who knew he had the tendency to overthink, and who had told him, years and years ago, that the key to calming down was to take it slow. One step at a time. Find the weak link, the place he'd swerved off track, and correct it.

Find the mistake, and stop overreacting.

Daichi. _Daichi_ , and his father, and the truth, and _fear_ , and-

Daichi.

Daichi, who wouldn't drop him over something like this.

Daichi, who hasn't heard from him in 24 hours and who is probably worried sick by now.

Yuuji scrambles to turn his phone back on, his own heartbeat still loud in his ears. _Daichi._

If anyone can understand, it's him. If he really cares, if he really- if-

The screen blinks to life in his hands, and he enters his passcode with trembling fingers. The message app jumps at him immediately, signalling a bunch of new texts. He taps the icon, and selects his chat with Daichi. Immediately, the screen fills with words.

 **Daichi:** Yuuji please answer me  
**Daichi:** Yuuji  
**Daichi:** Are you okay?  
**Daichi:** Yuuji, please.  
**Daichi:** I really need to talk with you, Yuuji.  
**Daichi:** I'm sorry if I overstepped. I'm not going to say anything that you don't want me to  
**Daichi:** You can trust me, please. I just want to talk to you.  
**Daichi:** Yuuji if you don't answer me I'm going to come over  
**Daichi:** I will bring Ryuu who can pick the lock to your bedroom.  
**Daichi:** I'm pretty sure he can, anyway.  
**Daichi:** I don't want to have to find out - I care about you. Let me be your friend.

He stares at the screen, and his eyes are already brimming with tears again. How could he have missed this? How could he have thought Daichi would _judge_ him?

And even as he stares, a new text pops up at the bottom of the screen.

 **Daichi:** I'm not giving up on you, Yuuji.

Yuuji leans back against his bedroom door, fighting for breath. Of course he wouldn't. He'd never.

He cradles the phone to his chest, and his eyes flutter closed. He remembers Koutarou, banging on his door earlier, begging him to answer.

He's doing it again, isn't he? Driving away all the people who care about him. He clenched shut, when all he would have had to do was let these people in.

But he was scared. He still is. It will never not scare him, because what if he's wrong? What if everything that's happened is really his fault, as his father would have him believe? What if he's dragging all these wonderful, supportive people down with him?

His phone buzzes against his hand, and he flicks it on again.

 **Daichi:** I'm giving you ten minutes to answer or I'm banging on your door.

He wouldn't put it past him. Slowly, with shaking fingers, he types out a reply. He owes him that much. And the thought of Daichi actually rushing over to see him is... well. Too good to be true, really. Yuuji has been causing nothing but trouble for him.

 **Yuuji:** Fine, I'll open the door.

He realizes just as he sends this message that he's going to have to go through with it, just in case he's really coming. He is many things, but an outright liar is not one of them.

 **Yuuji:** You have twenty minutes before I lock the door again.

That feels better. That way, he won't wait up for hours, hoping Daichi might actually show up. Twenty minutes, that's just enough time for him to drive over if he really means it - but it's short enough for Yuuji's agonizing wait to be over relatively soon. And then he'll know. He'll know for sure where Daichi stands.

Although it's not really a question, in Yuuji's mind. Given the choice, people don't side with him.

Hell, the only reason he knows Daichi in the first place is because of an assignment for which they drew lots. Daichi hasn't chosen to do anything for him, really. He could still just be in it for the grade, and drop Yuuji like he's nothing the second the semester is over.

It'd be so easy, too. To pretend like Yuuji never even existed. Sometimes he isn't even sure himself, that his life means something, that he's needed, wanted.

He promised himself he'd let got of these thoughts, but it's hard. Especially at times like this, when he feels small and useless and pathetic.

The only thing he has left is hope.

It's hope that gives him the strength to get to his feet, again with the help of the door at his back, and to stand on his own two feet.

It's hope that makes him step out into the hall - Kou is gone, once again, it's just him, alone, though now the lights are on - and move to the living room to wait.

It's hope that has him scrambling towards the door when he hears the knock, the knock he thought might never come.

And when he opens the door, it's hope that he finds, and only a single word leaves his lips.

"Daichi."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> As always, you can find me on [tumblr](http://frenchibi.tumblr.com).


End file.
